DirtyWash.com

Lynne Spears new book Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World will hit bookshelves next month and it appears ol' Lynne is cashing in her kids' lives. The book includes chapters on Britney's meltdown and Jamie Lynn's teenage pregnancy. Without these tests of inner strength, Lynne might not have had the fortitude to write this book and totally pay off her Mercedes. E! Online reports:

"The stories Lynne shares reveal the heart of a mother who struggles to keep faith at the center of her life through its many unexpected twists and serendipitous turns," the prereview states. The book retails for $24.99.
According to BreatheHeavy, a Britney fansite, the publisher says the book sheds light on much more, even touching on Britney's breakdown, Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy and the infamous Sam Lutfi.

The Superficial has obtained an advanced copy of the book and would like to present its readers with an exclusive excerpt from the Sam Lutfi chapter. Through the Storm on bookshelves Sept. 16: IX. Douchebeard at the Helm There we were in Britney's living room. She demanded I let her watch Crossroads for the third time that night or else she'd eat an entire bucket of chicken and throw her career down the toilet. This was, of course, months after the MTV VMA debacle, so I couldn't have cared less if she wanted to devour a live buffalo. (I would eat those words later during a trip to the zoo.) When I explained to her she was holding a decorative basket full of pine cones, the situation became nuclear. "Stop sleeping with my boyfriend! MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH!" Much to my horror, she began eating the pine cones. She always had strong teeth as a child, but my word, those things didn't stand a chance. Sam Lutfi simply laughed and continued stuffing that damn duffel bag of his full of cash. You figured he'd at least be subtle about it, but that's when I knew: I had to have him. We made love in the garage, and to this day, I never knew if Britney saw the whole thing. I didn't even notice her there until she tried to butter her toast with the hedge clippers. Fortunately, no one got hurt except for the bodyguard she stabbed to death. His family asked a lot of questions. I mean, geez, get over it already.

After I just confirmed that Britney Spears isn’t pregnant, I find out Paris Hilton is still hell-bent on putting a bun in her oven. C’mon! It seems Paris has babies on the brain again after hosting a baby shower for Nicole Richie last weekend, according to People:

“Nicole and I have been playing together since we were two years old,” she told PEOPLE at the Nissan Live Sets One Year Anniversary Party. “I was just telling her, ‘I want a baby so that our babies can play together.’”

You ever see one of those vans that animal shelters drive around and spay and neuter your pet for you? How do I modify one of those to work on humans? I kind of need an answer ASAP. Time is a factor. Oh, and also, what are the odds of getting a wet bar on that puppy? No, not the van. An actual puppy. I’ve always thought it’d be cool to have a dog with more than just one of those little barrels around his neck. Picture a Labrador, but with a margarita mixer instead of a tail.

Christina Aguilera is expecting twins, according to a reliable source for the NY Daily News. That’s interesting. I was shocked to learn that her husband Sasquatch could mate with humans, and now I find out he not only reproduces, he multiplies. Fascinating stuff. Will Christina try to raise the kids in captivity or in the wild? Somebody needs to do an Animal Planet special on these two and record it for me. I’m too busy fighting terrorism with a knife between my teeth.

NOTE: Some might say that posting pictures of celebrity breasts isn’t really fighting terrorism. Newsflash: Terrorists hate boobs. If someone you know hates female mammary glands, report them immediately to the nearest Office of Homeland Security. I’m just going to sit here now and wait for my Congressional Medal of Honor. Man, I’ve earned it.

I know it’s normal for pregnant woman to get fat, but Nicole Richie looks like she put on a ton of weight overnight. She had dinner in New York City with Mischa Barton and Joel Madden last night, and for some reason felt like showing off her pregnant body in a tanktop. Four days ago she looked like this. Now she looks like this. What the hell happened over the weekend? I’m waiting for photos to surface of her crouched over and eating an entire water buffalo.

So turns out a pregnant Nicole Richie is infinitely better looking than a not-pregnant Nicole Richie. Which is weird, because most pregnant women look gross. Nicole actually looks healthy here. And are those — are those breasts? On Nicole Richie? It’s like my whole world has turned upside down. Maybe I should start driving on the other side of the road. Say goodbye to people when I meet them? Not ravage supermodels with my devilish good looks? It’s all so confusing.

OK! magazine is claiming that Lindsay Lohan might be pregnant. She basically disappeared since her arrest (she’s allegedly in rehab right now), but the magazine says she might actually be hiding over the new pregnancy rumors. A friend tells the magazine:

“It woudn’t be the first time she had a pregnancy scare.”

And despite rumors she’s at the Cirque Lodge rehab clinic in Utah, nobody seems to have seen her at the complex. I doubt she’s pregnant though. Even if she was, the amount of drugs and alcohol she’s consumed would’ve aborted it. If she actually gave birth the kid would come out with a tail. Or - and this is even more likely - it’d just come out a baby-sized mound of used condoms.