Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline partied together in Vegas this weekend. Yeah, go ahead and absorb that for a minute. People says they spent the night together in Paris’ room. PageSix.com says they didn’t. I bet he did. I mean, how could Kevin resist Paris climbing over furniture like a drunken Spider-man? That’s just erotic. Could you imagine if he knocked her up? I did. It took the fire department five hours to talk me down off a ledge. Then they gave me a ride on the fire engine to a strip club. Okay, maybe I sort of jumped off the back when no one was looking.
Paris Hilton attended a party at the Versace Mansion in Miami Saturday night. Paris didn’t seem to know anybody at the party, so she decided to pretend to talk on her cell phone, according to FOX News:
“It was interesting,” said our insider. “She didn’t know a lot of the people there and obviously felt uncomfortable, so she chatted away on her phone to phantom friends, at one point it even started to beep while she talking.”
It’s comforting to know that Paris Hilton is just a few steps away from becoming the crazy lady that walks down the street talking into her imaginary phone. In the meantime, I like how Paris shows up at these parties and no one has any idea what she’s doing there. I doubt someone’s planning an event and saying, “You know, I should invite Paris Hilton. She’s so full of insight and is quite the conversationalist.” If Paris actually said something useful just once, it would create a tear in the time/space continuum. I have no evidence to back that up except for the fact I got drunk this weekend and watched Back to the Future. So, actually, what I meant to say is I have all the evidence.
Britney Spears didn’t let her 26th Birthday start with a whisper. She was out, walking the red carpet for the first time in months, at the Scandinavian Mansion Of Style party, along with her momentary BFF (one year ago right now in fact) Paris Hilton and Sharon Stone. Also by her side were current permanent fixtures Alli and Sam. Oh, and she left with this guy for the after party. At the Scandinavian style bash Brit was given the white coat along with a chocolate cake to celebrate her day. I’m sure we’ll be hearing all about her behavior in the party, but until then — Happy 26th Birthday, Britney. I hope it’s a blast.
To see a whole lot more of Britney celebrating her birthday just
Paris Hilton took her new Swedish model boyfriend Alexander von Zweigbergk Vaggo to meet her parents for dinner at Madeos in Beverly Hills. Paris’ parents Rick and Kathy were celebrating their 28th anniversary together. The highlight of the evening will be when Rick leans over to Alex and whispers, “There are two condoms in my hand. I want you to wear them both at the same time. Don’t ask any questions. You seem like good people.” Alex will then ask “Is this to, how you say, not make baby?” Rick will smile and say, “Don’t worry, Kathy and I took care of that when she was 16. Thank you, Mexican free clinic. Ha ha, good times. No, seriously, the rubbers are to protect your ding-dong, son. Jesus, don’t you read the papers?”
After I just confirmed that Britney Spears isn’t pregnant, I find out Paris Hilton is still hell-bent on putting a bun in her oven. C’mon! It seems Paris has babies on the brain again after hosting a baby shower for Nicole Richie last weekend, according to People:
“Nicole and I have been playing together since we were two years old,” she told PEOPLE at the Nissan Live Sets One Year Anniversary Party. “I was just telling her, ‘I want a baby so that our babies can play together.’”
You ever see one of those vans that animal shelters drive around and spay and neuter your pet for you? How do I modify one of those to work on humans? I kind of need an answer ASAP. Time is a factor. Oh, and also, what are the odds of getting a wet bar on that puppy? No, not the van. An actual puppy. I’ve always thought it’d be cool to have a dog with more than just one of those little barrels around his neck. Picture a Labrador, but with a margarita mixer instead of a tail.
Paris Hilton appeared at JJ Mahoney’s in South Korea over the weekend. It looks like she may have some lipstick on her teeth. I bet Paris was pissed when she saw these because, well, now she just looks like an idiot. Had it not been for the lipstick, these shots would have been a work of art. You could’ve put them in a museum, that’s how non-retarded she looked. I’m always amazed at the general elegance of a woman awkwardly posing with her arm straight up against a wall. It’s almost like something out of a Da Vinci. You know, if he had the foresight to paint a trampy blonde fixing the crotch of her dress. But I guess he wasn’t such a genius after all.
Paris Hilton visited the Late Show With David Letterman on Friday night and the interview didn’t go as planned for the heiress. She was there to promote her new fragrance Can Can and talk about Repo! The Genetic Opera, but Dave just wanted to ask about jail. Paris stayed good natured even though she very clearly wanted to change the subject. She eventually pouted until she got her way, but not before Dave got in a few good jabs. Watch it below and let us know — do you think Letterman crossed the line with Paris?
TMZ has a photo of some pervert trying to take a picture up Paris Hilton’s dress. I mean, there’s a lot of things I can picture myself doing when I meet Paris Hilton, but this isn’t one of them. This isn’t even close to one of them. How do you make the leap in logic from “Hey, there’s Paris Hilton” to “I’m gonna stick a camera up her dress!” This is the kind of guy who sees a hammer and thinks, “You know what I should hit with that? My penis.”
Paris Hilton was spotted looking at pictures of herself yesterday while hanging out at her Malibu summer home with her new Chihuahua. And I know what you’re thinking. Paris Hilton in a bikini? Total score, right? I bet these are even more rare than pictures of Bigfoot.
After being released from jail, Paris Hilton claimed she changed her ways and started carrying around the Bible, saying she was done being the party girl and wanted to do charity work. So it only makes sense that she showed up to a Playboy party yesterday dressed in her underwear. She’s making a difference now. Using her powers for good. Don’t you see, she’s a hero?
Monday, December 31st, 2007
