DirtyWash.com

How bad have things gotten for Aspen-based paparazzi? The town, long Hollywood’s preferred mountain refuge from the bustle of L.A., is apparently been so drained of celebrity quarry that its once-proud guerrilla-photographer population has been forced to eke out a meager existence by stalking the likes of Goldie Hawn, who gripes, “They’ve come into our little town and they really have done their job: They’ve shooed us out.” [Breitbart.com]

The first Name That Celebrity of 2008 is a real doozy. There’s no way you’re getting this one! Ass cracks aren’t as distinctive as you might think. In fact, it’s actually really hard to tell a famous ass crack from a civilian ass crack. Not without first analyzing their respective stools, anyway. The way I hear it, celebrity shit doesn’t stink and is made from the finest 24 karat gold. Fun fact: this particular celebrity ass crack boasts an anus bleached white as the driven snow. Hope that helps!

Take a crack at it, then find out the celebrity after the jump.

(more…)

Share This

· Michelle Rodriguez begins her 180-day jail odyssey, Topanga meets breathalyzer, De Mornay pays the piper, and Mischa Barton spends a night in jail. · Sean and Robin”s divorce: Could it have been Penn”s stubborn opinions about The Beatles? · The Defamer 2007 Year in Review: Parts I, II, and III. And our best videos of the year. · Britney Spears spills her guts to Adnan the Paparazzo. · Will Smith-Loves-HitlerGate: Could you clarify what you meant by “reprogramming?” · Brandy walks. · Casting the CBS MOW of the Benazir Bhutto tragedy. · Carson Daly electrifying late night. · Angelina Jolie and Rosie O”Donnell top annoying celebrity and do-gooder polls. We forget which won which. · “He said something about, “Taking my homies weed…”” · Worldwide Pants and the WGA make beautiful, side-deal love.

In a surprise Defamer World Exclusive! (must credit Defamer’s World’s First Surprise Super Exclusive!) videographer Molly McAleer, who spent last evening in the Hollywood Hills working on choreography with her Satanist friends as she always does, captured this altercation between Sean and Robin Wright Penn–possibly the final blow-up that led to today’s divorce announcement. Sean clearly seems to be the more conciliatory of the two, sweetly offering up small fondnesses, such as the way Robin reads her script dialogue out loud before bed every night–but we’ll leave it to you to decide where, if anywhere at all, the fault lies.

• Hurlyburly - The Restaurant Dispute [YouTube]

It’s a little late, but the Jewish media titans controlling this site don’t exactly know when the pagan holiday commemorating the birth of your false prophet falls on your calendar; what you call “Christmas,” occuring on December 25th, is just regular ol’ Tevet 16th, 5768 to us. Having said that, here’s a video montage of Britney Spears set to one of her own Christmas songs, as compiled by Defamer’s own Image Party Picasso, Molly McAleer.

Any suggestions for our videographer for the forthcoming, sure-to-be an annus horribilis for anyone with the last name “Spears?” A montage of paparazzi shots of Jamie Lynn carting her baby around in a Trader Joe’s paper bag as she browses Kitson set to the tune of Kim Wilde’s “Kids in America”? Britney Spears’s 35 to-and-fro courthouse jaunts with Beck’s “Loser” blasting on the soundtrack? Shots of matriarch Lynn’s attempts to keep smiling as she loses the National Book Award for her forthcoming tome to a sub-par effort by Jonathan Franzen with her NPR interview predicting a win playing over the whole thing? Do you think Mad TV funnyman Aries Spears is going to get arrested for arson or something?

• Britney Spears

· As we gaze at the Bassett Hound literally taking a dump in the middle of the three-way intersection outside the window of Defamer HQ-2 (a Christmas miracle!), we think fondly of Defamer videographer Molly, who is away today. We therefore had no choice but to plunder from the tidily wrapped video gifts beneath the tree of our more affluent cousins over at Jezebel. Look, everyone! It”s Charo singing “Feliz Nablahblah” on the Pee-wee”s Playhouse Christmas Special! · “Tis the season to be breathalyzered: In what is unlikely to be the last celeb DUI of the year, Boy Meets World“s Topanga was picked up for drunk driving.

· Still wracking your brains trying to come up for the perfect, last-minute present for the loved one who has everything? How about driving them insane with personalized postcards from an unsigned maniac in a tiny Polish village? · Is it Christmas? · What”s Jesus”s birthday without occasional Defamer guest-contributer Nick Malis”s musical ode to the loneliest holiday? · We plan on spending our Christmas working on our Guitar Hero 3 game, though we have a ways to go until we even approach the insane skill-levels of Conrad the Great. Meanwhile, those of you who don”t find Xmas 2008″s Most Wanted under your tree this year can still get in on the fun with Handbell Hero. · Well, that”s it, everyone. True, we”re Jewish, but in the spirit of inclusionism, we”re out of here until Wednesday. All the best to you and yours. Chag Samayach!

· Jamie Lynn Spears: Pregnant and loving it! TV news reacts, and reacts, and reacts. Rounding it up. Nickelodeon’s dilemma. The View weighs in.
· Is Schwarzenegger aching to slip back into his camo for John Matrix, the long-overdue Commando sequel?
· Kiefer, we’re still waiting.
· One more chance to see Ashton Claus hump Rudolph the Red-Nosed Cougar.
· Bells and whistles continue to be added to the WGA and AMPTP’s official web presences.
· It’s official: The late night hosts are coming back, and so are Stewart and Colbert. They have been duly warned.
· Hey, why does Michael Jackson have masking tape all over his face? Oh, that’s why.
· Eggnog aficionado Sherri Shepherd doesn’t remember any passages in the Bible where it says you can’t be a $1000-a-shot-drinking hot ho.
· Mike Malin tumbles from the Les Deux skylight like a starlet-banging Christmas angel.
· Introducing American Gladiators‘ former gay porn model.
· Facebook Status Updates: “CAA is…totally feasting on delicious take-out baby right now! Yumballs!”

We’ve heard much about how SWAT teams of WGA picketers have shut down a number of location shoots around town, but as we can’t move further than three feet from our computer before our electric collar cripples us with a painful, bowel-loosening jolt, we haven’t had the opportunity to see one in action. A member of the group that forced the closure of a shoot for ABC’s October Road on Thursday has posted a YouTube video of their successful set disruption, claiming that a mere five minutes of chanting was needed to send the crew–some supportive, some decidedly less so–packing for the day.Somewhat disappointingly, there’s no footage of cast members like Tom Berenger or Laura Prepon making sympathetic pizza deliveries to the protesting writers, perhaps indicating that the strike has dragged on so long no one can be bothered to take an easy, solidarity-promoting photo-op anymore.

• UNION POWER - WGA Shuts Down A Location Shoot [YouTube]
• Previously: Audience-Disrupting WGA Vigilantes Say They’re Not Done Tormenting Talk Show Hosts Quite Yet [Defamer]

The Humane Society is teasing the imminent release of their investigative report on the pet stores and puppy mills that keep Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and their animal-collecting ilk supplied with a fresh, fashionable accessory-chihuahua each time they stroll down the red carpet for the latest mobile-phone launch.

The teaser trailer the Society posted to its blog is chillingly effective: not only do we expect to be appalled by their trip to one of L.A.’s most popular pet-pushing emporiums, but we’re hoping their i-team, disguised as Les Deux patrons in search of a hot after-party, somehow managed to infiltrate Hilton’s compound and obtain footage of the walk-in closet where a colony of neglected pups survives on a diet of high-end shoe leather and the contents of discarded water bottles. Stay tuned!

• Puppy Trouble in Tinseltown [Humane Society]

· Kiefer adjusts to life on the inside.
· Still striking, still talking.
· Leno kicks in for his employees, but which late-night host can go longest?
· Jodie Foster thanks a Cydney. Or a Sidney. Or Sydney? She didn’t specify.
· Women! Power! Hollywood! (It’s not as exciting as it sounds.)
· The sound of Armageddon is the sound of Ellen playing bongos.
· Stars of The Kite Runner inching their way towards their permanent safehome at the Oakwood Apartments.
· Barbara Walters fumbles with the fascinating.
· Katherine Heigl on Judd Apatow on Katherine Heigl on Knocked Up.
· “Well, I’ll be! Joan van Ark, you haven’t aged a day!”
· Dept. of Small Miracles: Carson Daly, back on the air.
· We’ve got Jennifer Love Hewitt’s AssGate Fever!
· Catching up with Chinese Theater Zorro guy.
· The Dr. Phil audience bus crash: There, but for the grace of God, would we never be caught dead.
· Correction: Donald Trump not as generous as previously claimed.
· Larry and Brad: Together again.
· Clooney in the shitter.

· Not only did 30 Rock star Tracy Morgan not offer to impregnate all the women in Rachael Ray’s audience yesterday, he taught us a superior version of the old Five Second Rule: “God made dirt, and dirt don’t hurt.”
· Elton John wins a “Maori Academy Award”: a bird-feather cloak, which sounds both more fashionable and practical that the little statue Hollywood hands out.
· Please construct your own sketchy British tabloid story based on the following elements: Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, threat, lesbian, sex tape.
· Daniel Radcliffe screams in agony as his favorite Equus prank, “Hey, watch me hump the big metal horse head again!,” goes horribly awry due to an unexpected genital-entanglement issue.
· Who could have possibly foreseen that lesser Baldwin Daniel might again run afoul of the law?

Awarded with the Sherry Lansing Leadership Award at the 16th annual Women in Entertainment Breakfast Tuesday, Jodie Foster reportedly gave a moving speech, candidly telling the gathered crowd, “I’ve been working in this business for 42 years and there’s no way you can do that and not be as nutty as a fruitcake.” Among her many thank-yous, one got a reporter wondering if the veteran actress, so notoriously tight-lipped about her personal affairs and the significance of the “eternity ring” she never removes, had quietly come out to her working woman peers. From the LA Daily News:

Toward the end of her remarks, Jodie thanked those nearest and dearest to her. Among them was “my beautiful Cydney who sticks with me through all the rotten and the bliss.”

Since she has always been so intensely private, I was surprised at the public acknowledgment of who I presume is Cydney Bernard, the woman who is widely reported to be her life partner.

It’s not as if this was some great secret: Even the first entry of Bernard’s IMDb trivia section mentions their relationship, having met in 1993 on the set of Sommersby. Still, for Foster to recognize her partner in a public industry forum suggests she may be slackening her rigid position on the matter; in the unlikely event she wins a Golden Globe or Oscar for The Brave One, we might very well look forward to a Halle Berry-esque acceptance speech for the ages, in which the actress tearfully intones, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I’m sorry. This moment is so much bigger than me. This moment is for Katherine Hepburn, Linda Hunt, Miss Hathaway!”

• Jodie Foster gives thanks to Cydney through thick, thin [DailyNews.com]

A tipster forwarded this cameraphone photo of an unattended WGA picket sign found on the Warner Bros lot this morning; hopefully, its owner has permanently abandoned it in favor of one with a more up-to-date slogan, as no one really needs a reminder that the strike has dragged on so long that references to DeGeneres’ pet adoption problems once seemed timely.

· If anyone knows where we can pimp our gas-guzzling ride with the words “Clean Energy” along the sides in massive blue letters, we’re all ears. We hear it’s foolproof horny-starlet-bait. [via TMZ]
· Congratulations to Lindsay Lohan, whose first post-rehab gig appears to be selling $5 Polaroids of herself to tourists with the rest of the Chinese Theater Justice League!
· Is it a coincidence that on the day reports emerge that #1 Yahoo search topic Britney Spears failed to show up to her “Piece of Me” video shoot, MTV and Jive Records announce their Make Your Own ‘Piece of Me’ Video Contest? Wethinks not.
· We defy you to resist these photos of injured hedgehogs with brightly colored scrunchie casts.
· It’s the first night of Hanukkah. Has linking to Adam Sandler’s “The Hanukkah Song” become a cliché? Yes. Yes it has. Do we care? No. No we don’t.

Today’s most popular headlines are Tina Fey Recalls Paula Abdul’s Trainwreck ‘SNL’ Appearance (5,924 views today), The Ladies Of ‘The View’ Debate Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Ass (4,206) and Pretend To Look Surprised When Queen Latifah Finally Sits You Down For Some ‘Big News’ (3,862). Today’s most discussed stories are The Ladies Of ‘The View’ Debate Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Ass (18 comments), Pretend To Look Surprised When Queen Latifah Finally Sits You Down For Some ‘Big News’ (16) and Embattled Carson Daly Returns To The Air, Determined To Save Jobs And Entertain Loyal Insomniac Fan (14).