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Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline partied together in Vegas this weekend. Yeah, go ahead and absorb that for a minute. People says they spent the night together in Paris’ room. PageSix.com says they didn’t. I bet he did. I mean, how could Kevin resist Paris climbing over furniture like a drunken Spider-man? That’s just erotic. Could you imagine if he knocked her up? I did. It took the fire department five hours to talk me down off a ledge. Then they gave me a ride on the fire engine to a strip club. Okay, maybe I sort of jumped off the back when no one was looking.

Britney Spears hired a private investigator yesterday to keep an eye on her ex-husband Kevin Federline. Upon finding out, Kevin’s lawyers immediately pissed themselves laughing. Us Weekly reports:

“I think that if that is what they need to do, or have to do, to have at it,” Federline’s counsel, Mark Vincent Kaplan, tells Usmagazine.com. “I don’t think it will, in anyway, be a good expenditure of funds. But I can’t stop that from happening.”

Mark Kaplan also stated that Kevin Federline could care less about the news:

“I don’t think he would be concerned about it, and I don’t think he has to change anything he is doing in order to address that.”

I don’t know what Britney’s hoping to accomplish. It’s not like Kevin Federline is murdering cocktail waitresses in his basement or something. And even if he was, would it make a difference? Not really. In the meantime, Britney Spears should just focus on whatever it is that she does. Which appears to be driving a car with a blanket on her head. Hmm, kind of an unorthodox way to win back custody of your kids, and some might say a recipe for vehicular manslaughter, but at least she’s trying.

Britney Spears arrived in court today along with Kevin Federline. The two are in the midst of a custody battle that has seen Britney lose and regain custody of her kids about 1,000 times by my estimate. Presently Britney is only allowed monitored visits with Sean and Jayden. A court-appointed parenting coach must be present. At the time of this post, Britney and Kevin are still in the courtroom. No major developments have occurred with the exception of Britney changing her hairstyle and sunglasses after every break, according to TMZ:

She walked into the bathroom and presto change-o! — she changed her dark black sunglasses for brown ones. She also took her hair down.

You know what impresses a judge? Sunglasses. Turns out Britney Spears is a master legal strategist. Yeah, maybe she skipped a few drug tests and completely ignores her parenting coach, but check out these shades, your honor. Yup, they totally block out the sun. You can just hand over those kids now. No rush on the “Mother of the Year” plaque. Just drop it in the mail. Laters, y’all!

UPDATE: The judge will issue a written ruling on Monday or Tuesday. Kevin Federline was seen leaving the courtroom very happy while Britney was a sobbing mess despite having her visitation rights extended for the weekend. According to Extra, when asked by a reporter how things were going, Britney replied “Eat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it!” Someone explain to me why Britney Spears hasn’t been invited to Buckingham Palace. It just seems like she’d fit in there. You know, because she’s so classy and refined.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline attended their first Parenting Without Conflict course today. It’s the first time the two have been in the same building since meeting with attorneys back in September. TMZ reports:

The class will last a couple of hours. They will meet with a parenting coach, who will give them advice on how a divorced couple should raise their children.
The kids are not present.
Sources say Britney is actually looking forward to discussing parenting with her ex — however, after arriving at the location, Brit was distraught and bawling like a baby in the bathroom.

What could Britney be so upset about? Unless she still has feelings for Kevin. Could you imagine if these two got back together? No, wait, that’s not even funny. Somebody’s gotta stop this. Snarf, bring me the Sword of Omens! Thunder. Thunder! THUNDERCATS! HOOOOOOOOO! *looks around* Dude, go upstairs and tell Grandma I need 4 C batteries for this thing. Dude, it’s important. I have to stop Britney and Kevin. Jesus, we’ll play Halo later. Fine. Stop crying. We’ll do what you want to do. Again. I hope they name their third kid after you.

Update: Yeah, you got me, my comments above sucks. It’s impossible to even suggest that I live in my mom’s basement. Every knows I reside in a private castle where I eat raw steaks, bathe in gold and hunt wild boars - with a grenade launcher.

A judge ruled this morning that Kevin Federline will gain custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James starting on Wednesday. L.A. County Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon issued an order saying Kevin, “is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12:00 PM until further order of the court.” According to Life & Style, Kevin’s lawyers went into court today after Britney was seen driving around with her boys this weekend and we all know she does not have a valid California license. After months and months of awful stories and news about Britney, this just makes me so sad to read. I just honestly hope that SP and JJ are safe, sound and taken care of by the most capable person around.

X17 Online

K-Fed’s plan worked!

Mark Vincent Kaplan, Federline’s attorney, paid a visit to Los Angeles Superior Court Monday morning to discuss Britney Spears driving illegally - without a valid drivers license - while her children were in the car with her this past weekend.

As a result, a Los Angeles judge on Monday took away Spears’ custody rights and ordered to turn over her boys to Federline by Wednesday, OK! magazine was the first to report.

They will remain with him until further notice.

Until now, Britney and Kevin have had 50/50 joint custody. Now, Federline will have 100% physical custody.

The ruling says:

“Respondent’s oral motion pursuant to section 214FC is granted and the matter proceeds as a closed hearing.  The court and all parties present confer on the record that the court makes its order as fully reflected in the notes of the official court reporter. The court’s  prior order including the orders made on September 28, 2007 remain in full force and effect with the following modification: Respondent is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday October  3rd, 2007 at 12 PM until further order of the Court. Repondent’s ex- parte application is noticed for October 3, 2007 at 1:30 PM in  Department 88.”

Wow. Wow. Wow.

How will Britney respond to this????

Her family needs to stage an intervention right now!

We’re not kidding when we say they should place her on suicide watch!

[Image via Celerbity Babylon.]

Well, it finally happened – sort of. Due to the claims of Britney Spears’ former bodyguard Tony Barretto, Kevin Federline has been given temporary custody of the children. FOX News reports:

Commissioner Scott Gordon will order the boys, 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James, turned over to Federline based on information that Los Angeles Family Court received over the weekend about Spears, the sources told FOXNews.com.
During Monday’s custody hearing, Spears’ former bodyguard accused the pop star of having “issues of nudity and drug use” since she returned from rehab.

You know we all joked about this day for months, but seriously, there’s nothing funny about this. Not even the fact that Kevin Federline is considered a morally sound and intelligent human being capable of rearing two children. Nothing humorous there. Nor is there anything remotely funny that Britney has now lost her lawyer, manager, and kids. I just don’t see the comedy there. Thank goodness Lindsay Lohan and her dad are prayi — Hahaha! I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep a straight face any longer. Do you think Hell is as hot as they say it is? I’m just curious. Will they let me bring a cooler?

Turns out the secret witness in Britney Spears’ custody hearing is Tony Barretto, a former bodyguard for Britney. He filed a declaration in the custody battle between Britney and Kevin Federline today, claiming that Britney used drugs post-rehab and was nude a lot. Anyone shocked? Me neither. TMZ reports:

Barretto started working for Britney when she got out of rehab, and was fired on May 17 because, said Allred, “He did not hear her when he was asked to pick up her hat.”

Barretto, himself the father of young children, came forward, Allred says, because while working for Britney, he became “very concerned” about the safety of her two boys. Allred also said that she has spoken to County Counsel for Child Protective Services about Barretto’s concerns.

You know what makes this guy’s story totally legitimate? He claims Britney Spears fired him for not picking up her hat. That’s the most believable statement I’ve ever heard in my life. The only thing more believable would be if Barretto said Britney fired him for stealing her Double Whopper – then chased him down the street in a tank. Would Britney fire one of her kids out of the cannon? Depends. Were there extra pickles on that burger?

Britney Spears’ former bodyguard/manny Daimon Shippen was served two subpoenas by Kevin Federline’s lawyer last night to testify in their ongoing custody case. If you don’t remember, Daimon is the guy who caught Sean Preston when Britney Spears tripped and almost dropped him. So yeah, I doubt he’ll have anything good to say about Britney’s parenting skills. He’ll take the stand and try to make Britney look good, but that’s impossible so he’ll just start babbling randomly instead. “She, uh, she never stabbed her kids. Definitely never stabbed them. And, uh, she never — no wait, she did that one. She, uh, she used one as a soccer ball once. Shit! No, wait. Can I start over?”

She hasn’t hit rock bottom yet, but she’s close to it!

Things have gotten worse worse WORSE for Britney Spears.

A source at the courts reveals exclusively to PerezHilton.com that Kevin Federline’s high-powered attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan (above right), was spotted walking into Department 88 of Los Angeles Superior Court on Wednesday with documents that may be K-Fed’s request for primary physical custody of his two children with the fallen pop star.

Britney will probably greet this news with a couple of Tequila shots and a night out partying on the town with her friends!

Kevin Federline looked quite dapper - and sober - as he celebrated New Year’s Eve at Mansion in Miami Beach on Sunday.

Other celebs joining in the festivities included: Lindsay Lohan, Hilary & Haylie Duff, DJ AM, Wilmer Valderrama & Mandy Moore and Travis Barker.

And in case you haven’t heard yet….

THIS is the mess Britney got herself into on New Year’s Eve!

[Images for use on PerezHilton.com courtesy of Sara Jaye Weiss.]

As we first reported earlier, Kevin Federline was taping an interview for MuchMusic on Monday when he got the news - via text message - that Britney was divorcing him.

Just minutes earlier, FedEx was talking about how much he loved his wife and how she’s his biggest supporter. Not!!

Click here to see the great footage of Britney giving it to the Federjerk!

Warning: only for the brave of heart!

Click here to check out The Federjerk perform his new single, Privilege, from Thursday night’s appearance on Jay Leno.

He busts out the dance moves on this one!!

He used to be a professional dancer???? WTF????

Can’t wait to see him on tour!!!!! We will come with tomatoes and lettuce and he should have a nice little salad on stage by the end of the night!