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Britney Spears hired a private investigator yesterday to keep an eye on her ex-husband Kevin Federline. Upon finding out, Kevin’s lawyers immediately pissed themselves laughing. Us Weekly reports:

“I think that if that is what they need to do, or have to do, to have at it,” Federline’s counsel, Mark Vincent Kaplan, tells Usmagazine.com. “I don’t think it will, in anyway, be a good expenditure of funds. But I can’t stop that from happening.”

Mark Kaplan also stated that Kevin Federline could care less about the news:

“I don’t think he would be concerned about it, and I don’t think he has to change anything he is doing in order to address that.”

I don’t know what Britney’s hoping to accomplish. It’s not like Kevin Federline is murdering cocktail waitresses in his basement or something. And even if he was, would it make a difference? Not really. In the meantime, Britney Spears should just focus on whatever it is that she does. Which appears to be driving a car with a blanket on her head. Hmm, kind of an unorthodox way to win back custody of your kids, and some might say a recipe for vehicular manslaughter, but at least she’s trying.

Britney Spears arrived in court today along with Kevin Federline. The two are in the midst of a custody battle that has seen Britney lose and regain custody of her kids about 1,000 times by my estimate. Presently Britney is only allowed monitored visits with Sean and Jayden. A court-appointed parenting coach must be present. At the time of this post, Britney and Kevin are still in the courtroom. No major developments have occurred with the exception of Britney changing her hairstyle and sunglasses after every break, according to TMZ:

She walked into the bathroom and presto change-o! — she changed her dark black sunglasses for brown ones. She also took her hair down.

You know what impresses a judge? Sunglasses. Turns out Britney Spears is a master legal strategist. Yeah, maybe she skipped a few drug tests and completely ignores her parenting coach, but check out these shades, your honor. Yup, they totally block out the sun. You can just hand over those kids now. No rush on the “Mother of the Year” plaque. Just drop it in the mail. Laters, y’all!

UPDATE: The judge will issue a written ruling on Monday or Tuesday. Kevin Federline was seen leaving the courtroom very happy while Britney was a sobbing mess despite having her visitation rights extended for the weekend. According to Extra, when asked by a reporter how things were going, Britney replied “Eat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it!” Someone explain to me why Britney Spears hasn’t been invited to Buckingham Palace. It just seems like she’d fit in there. You know, because she’s so classy and refined.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline attended their first Parenting Without Conflict course today. It’s the first time the two have been in the same building since meeting with attorneys back in September. TMZ reports:

The class will last a couple of hours. They will meet with a parenting coach, who will give them advice on how a divorced couple should raise their children.
The kids are not present.
Sources say Britney is actually looking forward to discussing parenting with her ex — however, after arriving at the location, Brit was distraught and bawling like a baby in the bathroom.

What could Britney be so upset about? Unless she still has feelings for Kevin. Could you imagine if these two got back together? No, wait, that’s not even funny. Somebody’s gotta stop this. Snarf, bring me the Sword of Omens! Thunder. Thunder! THUNDERCATS! HOOOOOOOOO! *looks around* Dude, go upstairs and tell Grandma I need 4 C batteries for this thing. Dude, it’s important. I have to stop Britney and Kevin. Jesus, we’ll play Halo later. Fine. Stop crying. We’ll do what you want to do. Again. I hope they name their third kid after you.

Update: Yeah, you got me, my comments above sucks. It’s impossible to even suggest that I live in my mom’s basement. Every knows I reside in a private castle where I eat raw steaks, bathe in gold and hunt wild boars - with a grenade launcher.

Britney Spears stood up her parenting coach again who is finally fed up with the singer’s behavior. This latest development adds to Britney’s legal problems in her ongoing custody battle. Yesterday Britney lost visitation rights with her kids because she couldn’t supply a contact number to the people handling her drug tests. TMZ reports:

Sources say Britney had a scheduled time to meet the coach yesterday at her Malibu home. The coach made the trek, but no Britney.

We’re told during the hearing earlier this week, the coach phoned in and asked the Commissioner if she could end the home visits, presumably because they were going nowhere.

So far, in order to keep her kids, Britney Spears has been unable to supply her phone number and be at her own house at a designated time. I could train a freaking chimp to do both those things – while juggling a chainsaw! Actually, that’s not really fair, because I could train a chimp to do a lot of things Britney does. For example: drive a car somewhat safely, eat a Chalupa, flash its genitals and, given an extra week or so, make a Top 40 pop album.

Britney Spears has been ordered by a judge to take parenting classes and abstain from alcohol 12 hours before seeing her children. Being the genius that she is, Britney’s been clubbing every night since the ruling. Star Magazine spoke with attorney John Schweitzer to get an outside opinion on Britney’s situation. Here’s what he had to say:

On ignoring the judge’s orders
“By going out like this she is really running the risk of losing custody of her kids. The judge is now going to watch very move she makes. The judge gets the newspaper like everyone else and he will take something like this into consideration until his final ruling is made.”

On the legal consequences Britney could face
“Some of the punishments could include holding her in contempt of court, which could result in a fine, imprisonment or both. Or, the judge gives more visitation rights to the other parent, in this case Kevin, or, he can take the children away if he feels Britney is not focusing on the best interest of the children.”

On what Britney should do to keep her kids
“If I were her lawyer I would tell her to lie low, stay in the house and spend time reading to her sons and doing arts and craft projects with them to enforce learning and bonding.”

Arts and crafts? Is this guy serious? He literally just suggested that Britney Spears use scissors, glue and possibly popsicle sticks around small children. Does he want her kids to lose an eye? Why stop there? He might as well suggest that Britney take them to a gun range. Although at least there, witnesses would be present. I also like to believe the employees would give Britney a candy gun. Not for safety purposes. They’re just tired of her getting teeth marks on the real guns. They really need a snack machine in there.

Well, it finally happened – sort of. Due to the claims of Britney Spears’ former bodyguard Tony Barretto, Kevin Federline has been given temporary custody of the children. FOX News reports:

Commissioner Scott Gordon will order the boys, 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James, turned over to Federline based on information that Los Angeles Family Court received over the weekend about Spears, the sources told FOXNews.com.
During Monday’s custody hearing, Spears’ former bodyguard accused the pop star of having “issues of nudity and drug use” since she returned from rehab.

You know we all joked about this day for months, but seriously, there’s nothing funny about this. Not even the fact that Kevin Federline is considered a morally sound and intelligent human being capable of rearing two children. Nothing humorous there. Nor is there anything remotely funny that Britney has now lost her lawyer, manager, and kids. I just don’t see the comedy there. Thank goodness Lindsay Lohan and her dad are prayi — Hahaha! I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep a straight face any longer. Do you think Hell is as hot as they say it is? I’m just curious. Will they let me bring a cooler?

Turns out the secret witness in Britney Spears’ custody hearing is Tony Barretto, a former bodyguard for Britney. He filed a declaration in the custody battle between Britney and Kevin Federline today, claiming that Britney used drugs post-rehab and was nude a lot. Anyone shocked? Me neither. TMZ reports:

Barretto started working for Britney when she got out of rehab, and was fired on May 17 because, said Allred, “He did not hear her when he was asked to pick up her hat.”

Barretto, himself the father of young children, came forward, Allred says, because while working for Britney, he became “very concerned” about the safety of her two boys. Allred also said that she has spoken to County Counsel for Child Protective Services about Barretto’s concerns.

You know what makes this guy’s story totally legitimate? He claims Britney Spears fired him for not picking up her hat. That’s the most believable statement I’ve ever heard in my life. The only thing more believable would be if Barretto said Britney fired him for stealing her Double Whopper – then chased him down the street in a tank. Would Britney fire one of her kids out of the cannon? Depends. Were there extra pickles on that burger?

Things are not looking good for Britney Spears. Larry Rudolph, Britney’s ex-manager, spoke to Ryan Seacrest this morning and said he does not want to testify in the custody hearing for fear of what he might reveal. People reports:

“He said he’s doing his best to hide from Kevin’s process server,” Ryan Seacrest, who was in contact with Rudolph over the weekend, said Monday on his KIIS-FM radio show. “He’s actually on the run. They are trying to track him down and serve him with a subpoena and they want him to appear and testify in the custody battle.” Rudolph, who was relieved of his managerial duties by Spears earlier this year, “doesn’t want to be served because he said it won’t be good for Britney,” said Seacrest. “After all they have been through he is still loyal to her, and he doesn’t want to have to go under oath and talk about certain things that might hurt her.” Regarding his whereabouts, Rudolph would only reveal is that he is with his children. Furthermore, said Seacrest, the former manager wants it publicly known that he is avoiding being served the subpoena.

Pile this on top of the child abuse investigation and it definitely looks like Kevin Federline will win custody of the children. Not that there was any doubt. Any rational person with an IQ above, I dunno, five, had this figured out. I ran into a two-year-old the other day who looked at me and said, “Britney bad mommy.” Then the kid ate a pebble.

Britney Spears’ former bodyguard/manny Daimon Shippen was served two subpoenas by Kevin Federline’s lawyer last night to testify in their ongoing custody case. If you don’t remember, Daimon is the guy who caught Sean Preston when Britney Spears tripped and almost dropped him. So yeah, I doubt he’ll have anything good to say about Britney’s parenting skills. He’ll take the stand and try to make Britney look good, but that’s impossible so he’ll just start babbling randomly instead. “She, uh, she never stabbed her kids. Definitely never stabbed them. And, uh, she never — no wait, she did that one. She, uh, she used one as a soccer ball once. Shit! No, wait. Can I start over?”