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Britney Spears allegedly hooked up with some guy in Hawaii and supposedly their encounter was videotaped. The Sun reports:

The man in question says he met the singer on holiday in June and taped their alleged night of lust in Britney’s hotel room.

However, according to the unnamed man, the romp was a bit of a damp squib.

He reportedly told a US magazine: “It was just normal sex, we didn’t do anything crazy. It was a little disappointing. It lasted for about 25 minutes and then we passed out.”

So the last sex tape The Sun reported on turned out to be a joke. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is as well. The video will turn out to be some unfunny comedian, like, I dunno, anyone on SNL, doing a bag of Cheetos. Which is ironically how I imagine sex with Britney is like: Sad, awkward and with a lot of crumbs afterwards. Just thinking about this makes me want to sob uncontrollably in the shower while I scrub off a layer of skin. Where did those crumbs come from? Oh God, must scrub harder.

While Britney had until Wednesday to follow the judge’s ruling giving Kevin custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James, she handed them over to Kevin’s bodyguard right away. From there, she went tanning, stopped by the DMV (hypothetically to get the ball rolling on that California license, which she still doesn’t have, but should be taking the test for today) and checked into the Peninsula Hotel. Throughout all of this, Brit looked surprisingly happy, which of course could be her way of coping, but still, big smiles? In full on damage control mode, Britney’s lawyer made sure to talk to the press, telling people that while Britney was in trouble for not having the license and not complying with the judges orders, there is “no evidence” she ever actually failed a drug test. Rumors of Britney’s drug use still swirl around, but I guess we’ll see what happens when she actually does what she is told and submits to the random tests. The next hearing is scheduled for Wednesday.

Obviously, the paparazzi were on her tail more than ever yesterday hoping to catch the pop tart in her darkest moment with one photographer going so far as to get in a brawl with the hotel security. Yikes. Most of you weren’t feeling bad for Britney after yesterday and seeing her nonchalance about the whole thing certainly doesn’t help. You never know what’s coming next with Brit, and I have a feeling that these next few days could be full of surprises. I just hope everyone stays safe.

X17 Online

A judge ruled this morning that Kevin Federline will gain custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James starting on Wednesday. L.A. County Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon issued an order saying Kevin, “is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12:00 PM until further order of the court.” According to Life & Style, Kevin’s lawyers went into court today after Britney was seen driving around with her boys this weekend and we all know she does not have a valid California license. After months and months of awful stories and news about Britney, this just makes me so sad to read. I just honestly hope that SP and JJ are safe, sound and taken care of by the most capable person around.

X17 Online

K-Fed’s plan worked!

Mark Vincent Kaplan, Federline’s attorney, paid a visit to Los Angeles Superior Court Monday morning to discuss Britney Spears driving illegally - without a valid drivers license - while her children were in the car with her this past weekend.

As a result, a Los Angeles judge on Monday took away Spears’ custody rights and ordered to turn over her boys to Federline by Wednesday, OK! magazine was the first to report.

They will remain with him until further notice.

Until now, Britney and Kevin have had 50/50 joint custody. Now, Federline will have 100% physical custody.

The ruling says:

“Respondent’s oral motion pursuant to section 214FC is granted and the matter proceeds as a closed hearing.  The court and all parties present confer on the record that the court makes its order as fully reflected in the notes of the official court reporter. The court’s  prior order including the orders made on September 28, 2007 remain in full force and effect with the following modification: Respondent is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday October  3rd, 2007 at 12 PM until further order of the Court. Repondent’s ex- parte application is noticed for October 3, 2007 at 1:30 PM in  Department 88.”

Wow. Wow. Wow.

How will Britney respond to this????

Her family needs to stage an intervention right now!

We’re not kidding when we say they should place her on suicide watch!

[Image via Celerbity Babylon.]

She must be stopped!

Britney Spears‘ mediocre new single, Gimme More, which has stalled at radio, has managed to hit #1 on the iTunes singles chart.

That is just unacceptable!

As she proved with her disrespectful and half-assed performance at the VMAs, Britney does not care about her fans. Yet her hardcore fans are buying multiple copies of her single and gifting it to their friends.

Like a Los Angeles court said, Britney is a frequent and habitual user of drugs and buying her song is just feeding her addictions. Her fans are not “supporting” her now in their time of need. They are being enablers. And that’s not what Britney needs.

Britney needs tough love!

Britney needs a boycott!

So, the perfect alternative to all that is wrong with Britney?

Support Feist!

Not only does Feist deserve our support but she is incredibly talented and an amazing singer / songwriter / performer, in stark contrast to Spears.

Go to iTunes and download Feist’s 1,2,3,4. We can help her dethrone Britney!

You know the song. 1,2,3,4 is the tune from the new iPod commercial!

It’s an awesome song and you HAVE to own it. And if you already bought, then buy it again, y’all.

1,2,3,4 is currently at #4 on the iTunes singles chart. We can really make her get to #1!

So go to iTunes now or CLICK HERE and purchase it. We’re going to buy ten copies now and gift it to all our friends. We’re crazy like that.

Team Feist!

Down with Britney!

Britney Spears stopped at a restaurant in LA so she could use the bathroom, which is something she does basically every other week. I’m pretty sure she’s the only celebrity person in the world who pulls over to use public restrooms. Like actually stops driving on her way home so she can use a toilet a hundred other people have already used that day. I’d say it’s because her bladder is the size of a peanut, but honestly I think that would be her brain. And maybe peanut is a bit too generous. What would you call the absence of a brain? An absence so powerful it dulls any brain that even gets near it. Because that’s what Britney has. In her head. Well that, or a large tomato and a note from God that says, “My bad.”

In the latest Britney saga, her bodyguard, Tony Barretto sold his tell-all story to News of the World on what it was like to work for the pop star. He dished on drug details including an overdose, her horrible parenting habits, poor hygiene, and mental issues. There is a video and pages of his quotes which he claims he is exposing for her own good and the sake of her two boys. What do you think? Is his story going to help Britney get help?

This is what’s amazing about the soap opera-like saga that is the life of Britney Spears. Every time you think things couldn’t get worse for the perpetually troubled trainwreck, it does.

She manages to go from one low to another!

The latest setback for the former pop star?

Her former bodyguard, Tony Barretto, who gave a declaration during her bitter baby battle with Kevin Federline, has just given the News of the World this explosive interview, which - amongst many salacious allegations - claims that Spears did drugs at her home while her kids were with her and not under K-Fed’s care!!!

Here are some of the HIGHlights from the chilling tell-all:

- According to Tony, Britney OVERDOSED in a drug-strewn hotel room on a binge with a former fling, musician Howie Day, just days after checking out of rehab. “She was in a terrible state, just sweating and shaking. Her pupils were huge—I’ve never seen her so bad,” said Tony.

- Shockingly, he believes, was under the influence of drugs and booze at home while her two sons Sean, two, and year-old Jayden James, were there.

- Secretly snorted cocaine over TWO NIGHTS with pals in a trendy LA nightclub.

“I have done this for her children,” says Barretto. “She’s not a good mother. She has mental problems. With her drug and booze issues, her home is no place for kids to be raised.”

There’s videotape of Tony talking and he goes much more into detail about why Brit is a bad mom and he BIG drug problem.

We can’t even begin to tackle it all.

Just click here to check it out!

[Image via Fame Pictures.]

Britney Spears has been charged with two misdemeanors including a hit-and-run for the incident back in August when she pulled into a parking space and hit a car, and for driving without a valid license. If convicted on both charges, she faces up to a year in jail. A City Attorney’s spokesman says:

“According to the DMV, Ms. Spears was never issued a California license – ever.”

Sweet mother of Jebus, Britney Spears doesn’t have a driver’s license? How is that even possible? I mean, I’m not surprised, but how did it take the authorities this long to figure it out? You’d think they would’ve cracked the case when she was caught driving with her baby on her lap, or when she had her baby seat strapped in the wrong way, or basically every time she has ever been behind the wheel ever. I could blindfold a monkey, punch it in the head, and throw it in a car and it’d end up driving better than Britney Spears. Probably take better care of her children too.

Britney Spears has been ordered by a judge to take parenting classes and abstain from alcohol 12 hours before seeing her children. Being the genius that she is, Britney’s been clubbing every night since the ruling. Star Magazine spoke with attorney John Schweitzer to get an outside opinion on Britney’s situation. Here’s what he had to say:

On ignoring the judge’s orders
“By going out like this she is really running the risk of losing custody of her kids. The judge is now going to watch very move she makes. The judge gets the newspaper like everyone else and he will take something like this into consideration until his final ruling is made.”

On the legal consequences Britney could face
“Some of the punishments could include holding her in contempt of court, which could result in a fine, imprisonment or both. Or, the judge gives more visitation rights to the other parent, in this case Kevin, or, he can take the children away if he feels Britney is not focusing on the best interest of the children.”

On what Britney should do to keep her kids
“If I were her lawyer I would tell her to lie low, stay in the house and spend time reading to her sons and doing arts and craft projects with them to enforce learning and bonding.”

Arts and crafts? Is this guy serious? He literally just suggested that Britney Spears use scissors, glue and possibly popsicle sticks around small children. Does he want her kids to lose an eye? Why stop there? He might as well suggest that Britney take them to a gun range. Although at least there, witnesses would be present. I also like to believe the employees would give Britney a candy gun. Not for safety purposes. They’re just tired of her getting teeth marks on the real guns. They really need a snack machine in there.

This makes us sick!

Just a couple of days after a judge said that she still has a drug problem, Britney Spears is using her kids for sympathy.

On Thursday afternoon, the trainwreck whored little Sean Preston out, taking him with her on a shopping expedition to the paparazzi-infested Robertson Blvd. in Beverly Hills.

He looks so sad and unhappy to be there!

Britney knew the paparazzi would hound them there, and yet she still whored out little Tater Tot.

Notice how we never see pictures of Kevin Federline with his kids.

Why? Because he doesn’t want us to see them! He’s not pandering to the paparazzi!

Oh, Britney.

Please get help!

[Image by Anthony Monterotti via Pacific Coast News.]

Well, it finally happened – sort of. Due to the claims of Britney Spears’ former bodyguard Tony Barretto, Kevin Federline has been given temporary custody of the children. FOX News reports:

Commissioner Scott Gordon will order the boys, 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James, turned over to Federline based on information that Los Angeles Family Court received over the weekend about Spears, the sources told FOXNews.com.
During Monday’s custody hearing, Spears’ former bodyguard accused the pop star of having “issues of nudity and drug use” since she returned from rehab.

You know we all joked about this day for months, but seriously, there’s nothing funny about this. Not even the fact that Kevin Federline is considered a morally sound and intelligent human being capable of rearing two children. Nothing humorous there. Nor is there anything remotely funny that Britney has now lost her lawyer, manager, and kids. I just don’t see the comedy there. Thank goodness Lindsay Lohan and her dad are prayi — Hahaha! I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep a straight face any longer. Do you think Hell is as hot as they say it is? I’m just curious. Will they let me bring a cooler?

First Britney Spear’s lawyer Laura Wasser quit and now her manager is kicking her to the curb. Jeff Kwatinetz, who works for The Firm, apparently was fed up after Britney’s last-minute decision to change her outfit at the VMAs. She made the change herself without notifying anyone, according to TMZ. Kwatinetz issued the following statement:

“It saddens us to confirm media reports that we have terminated our professional relationship with Britney Spears. We have represented Britney for the past month. We believe Britney is enormously talented, and has made a terrific record. But current circumstances have prevented us from properly doing our job. We wish Britney the best.”

Jeff Kwatinetz is a pansy. How difficult can Britney really be to manage? Obviously someone didn’t tell him he just has to keep snacks on him at all time. And by snacks, I mean whole meals. Keep a few burgers tucked away in his suit pockets. Maybe some turkey legs in his briefcase. Whenever Britney acts up, just sit her down and pop a burrito in her mouth. Is that so hard? People are so weak in Hollywood. I bet her next manager will quit for something lame like Britney being videotaped doing drugs in front of her children. Man-up, you sissies!

Turns out the secret witness in Britney Spears’ custody hearing is Tony Barretto, a former bodyguard for Britney. He filed a declaration in the custody battle between Britney and Kevin Federline today, claiming that Britney used drugs post-rehab and was nude a lot. Anyone shocked? Me neither. TMZ reports:

Barretto started working for Britney when she got out of rehab, and was fired on May 17 because, said Allred, “He did not hear her when he was asked to pick up her hat.”

Barretto, himself the father of young children, came forward, Allred says, because while working for Britney, he became “very concerned” about the safety of her two boys. Allred also said that she has spoken to County Counsel for Child Protective Services about Barretto’s concerns.

You know what makes this guy’s story totally legitimate? He claims Britney Spears fired him for not picking up her hat. That’s the most believable statement I’ve ever heard in my life. The only thing more believable would be if Barretto said Britney fired him for stealing her Double Whopper – then chased him down the street in a tank. Would Britney fire one of her kids out of the cannon? Depends. Were there extra pickles on that burger?

Poor Britney from one mishap to another misfortune.

Her life is in a constant state of free-fall!

Celeb TV is reporting that Spears’ new manager, Jeff Kwatinetz of The Firm, dumped her as a client on Monday.

Why? Due to her recent erratic behavior.

She is unmanageable!

A source close to Britney’s camp says the change in management may affect the scheduled November 13th release of her new album.

First her lawyer dropped her Monday morning and then her manager bailed Monday afternoon.

Britney’s ship is most definitely sinking and everyone around her is going to dry land!

[Image via Celebrity Babylon.]