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Lynne Spears new book Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World will hit bookshelves next month and it appears ol' Lynne is cashing in her kids' lives. The book includes chapters on Britney's meltdown and Jamie Lynn's teenage pregnancy. Without these tests of inner strength, Lynne might not have had the fortitude to write this book and totally pay off her Mercedes. E! Online reports:

"The stories Lynne shares reveal the heart of a mother who struggles to keep faith at the center of her life through its many unexpected twists and serendipitous turns," the prereview states. The book retails for $24.99.
According to BreatheHeavy, a Britney fansite, the publisher says the book sheds light on much more, even touching on Britney's breakdown, Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy and the infamous Sam Lutfi.

The Superficial has obtained an advanced copy of the book and would like to present its readers with an exclusive excerpt from the Sam Lutfi chapter. Through the Storm on bookshelves Sept. 16: IX. Douchebeard at the Helm There we were in Britney's living room. She demanded I let her watch Crossroads for the third time that night or else she'd eat an entire bucket of chicken and throw her career down the toilet. This was, of course, months after the MTV VMA debacle, so I couldn't have cared less if she wanted to devour a live buffalo. (I would eat those words later during a trip to the zoo.) When I explained to her she was holding a decorative basket full of pine cones, the situation became nuclear. "Stop sleeping with my boyfriend! MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH!" Much to my horror, she began eating the pine cones. She always had strong teeth as a child, but my word, those things didn't stand a chance. Sam Lutfi simply laughed and continued stuffing that damn duffel bag of his full of cash. You figured he'd at least be subtle about it, but that's when I knew: I had to have him. We made love in the garage, and to this day, I never knew if Britney saw the whole thing. I didn't even notice her there until she tried to butter her toast with the hedge clippers. Fortunately, no one got hurt except for the bodyguard she stabbed to death. His family asked a lot of questions. I mean, geez, get over it already.

Before having promiscuous sex with a photographer, Britney Spears walked around Saturday in a ridiculously see-through shirt, and, oh, holy night, no bra! It’s a Christmas miracle. Kind of. I think. All I know is my penis is glowing bright red like Rudolph’s nose and I dunno if that’s good or bad. Hey, here comes Santa Claus. You want my dong to guide your sleigh tonight? Sure. Why not? Let’s save Christmas, jolly man. But wait. *holds a candy cane to his ear* Baby Jesus is on the phone. He says we should get lap dances first. Your treat.

Happy Holidays everybody, see you guys Wednesday.

All the pics are NSFW. (Hint: It’s because of the nipples.)

Coming up!

Britney Spears supposedly has a new man in her life named Robert. The two had a romantic rendezvous last night at the sexiest of locales. Yup, the gas station. I’m not even shocked that Britney finds unleaded fuel erotic. We’re slowly approaching the day when Britney finally caves and starts wearing a tin-foil hat. I bet she already has it made. She’s probably testing it out on her dog London. If aliens don’t brainwash him into being a responsible parent, she’s totally wearing that foil hat everywhere!

Britney Spears didn’t let her 26th Birthday start with a whisper. She was out, walking the red carpet for the first time in months, at the Scandinavian Mansion Of Style party, along with her momentary BFF (one year ago right now in fact) Paris Hilton and Sharon Stone. Also by her side were current permanent fixtures Alli and Sam. Oh, and she left with this guy for the after party. At the Scandinavian style bash Brit was given the white coat along with a chocolate cake to celebrate her day. I’m sure we’ll be hearing all about her behavior in the party, but until then — Happy 26th Birthday, Britney. I hope it’s a blast.

To see a whole lot more of Britney celebrating her birthday just

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Britney Spears hired a private investigator yesterday to keep an eye on her ex-husband Kevin Federline. Upon finding out, Kevin’s lawyers immediately pissed themselves laughing. Us Weekly reports:

“I think that if that is what they need to do, or have to do, to have at it,” Federline’s counsel, Mark Vincent Kaplan, tells Usmagazine.com. “I don’t think it will, in anyway, be a good expenditure of funds. But I can’t stop that from happening.”

Mark Kaplan also stated that Kevin Federline could care less about the news:

“I don’t think he would be concerned about it, and I don’t think he has to change anything he is doing in order to address that.”

I don’t know what Britney’s hoping to accomplish. It’s not like Kevin Federline is murdering cocktail waitresses in his basement or something. And even if he was, would it make a difference? Not really. In the meantime, Britney Spears should just focus on whatever it is that she does. Which appears to be driving a car with a blanket on her head. Hmm, kind of an unorthodox way to win back custody of your kids, and some might say a recipe for vehicular manslaughter, but at least she’s trying.

First off, lose those damn boots already!

Secondly, Britney Spears went shopping for chandeliers (WTF?) in LA this past weekend while she left her kids in the car.

Yes, they were supervised, but still. Come on!

She couldn’t find any other time to shop for fucking chandeliers????

Unfitney doesn’t have that much time with her kids per week. She should make the most of it!

And that poor baby. Look at his teeth! And his dirty face!

What does the court-appointed supervisor think of this?????

[Images via WENN.]

Britney Spears released her new album Blackout today. To drum up some press, because apparently there’s not enough, Jive sent out photos of a half-naked Britney sitting on the lap of a priest in a confession booth. The photos are also included in the liner notes for her new album. The Catholic Church wasn’t too thrilled about this “bottom of the barrel” stunt, according to NY Daily News:

“This is all the puzzle pieces coming together. This girl is crashing,” said Bill Donohue, president of the New York-based Catholic League. “She’s not even allowed to bring up her own kids because she’s not responsible enough. Now we see she can’t even entertain.”

Clearly Britney Spears’ publicist is ripping pages straight from the Madonna playbook. Unfortunately for them, Britney is pretty much stuck on pissing off Catholics and wearing Kabbalah bracelets. She’s barely allowed to have her own kids, so she can’t adopt one from Africa. Also the marrying Sean Penn thing is out too. Besides the fact that he has a wife, I heard that Sean Penn not only hates the Iraq war but also hates “fatty-fat fat-fat’s.” That’s a direct quote that I in no way made up.

Britney Spears arrived in court today along with Kevin Federline. The two are in the midst of a custody battle that has seen Britney lose and regain custody of her kids about 1,000 times by my estimate. Presently Britney is only allowed monitored visits with Sean and Jayden. A court-appointed parenting coach must be present. At the time of this post, Britney and Kevin are still in the courtroom. No major developments have occurred with the exception of Britney changing her hairstyle and sunglasses after every break, according to TMZ:

She walked into the bathroom and presto change-o! — she changed her dark black sunglasses for brown ones. She also took her hair down.

You know what impresses a judge? Sunglasses. Turns out Britney Spears is a master legal strategist. Yeah, maybe she skipped a few drug tests and completely ignores her parenting coach, but check out these shades, your honor. Yup, they totally block out the sun. You can just hand over those kids now. No rush on the “Mother of the Year” plaque. Just drop it in the mail. Laters, y’all!

UPDATE: The judge will issue a written ruling on Monday or Tuesday. Kevin Federline was seen leaving the courtroom very happy while Britney was a sobbing mess despite having her visitation rights extended for the weekend. According to Extra, when asked by a reporter how things were going, Britney replied “Eat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it!” Someone explain to me why Britney Spears hasn’t been invited to Buckingham Palace. It just seems like she’d fit in there. You know, because she’s so classy and refined.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline attended their first Parenting Without Conflict course today. It’s the first time the two have been in the same building since meeting with attorneys back in September. TMZ reports:

The class will last a couple of hours. They will meet with a parenting coach, who will give them advice on how a divorced couple should raise their children.
The kids are not present.
Sources say Britney is actually looking forward to discussing parenting with her ex — however, after arriving at the location, Brit was distraught and bawling like a baby in the bathroom.

What could Britney be so upset about? Unless she still has feelings for Kevin. Could you imagine if these two got back together? No, wait, that’s not even funny. Somebody’s gotta stop this. Snarf, bring me the Sword of Omens! Thunder. Thunder! THUNDERCATS! HOOOOOOOOO! *looks around* Dude, go upstairs and tell Grandma I need 4 C batteries for this thing. Dude, it’s important. I have to stop Britney and Kevin. Jesus, we’ll play Halo later. Fine. Stop crying. We’ll do what you want to do. Again. I hope they name their third kid after you.

Update: Yeah, you got me, my comments above sucks. It’s impossible to even suggest that I live in my mom’s basement. Every knows I reside in a private castle where I eat raw steaks, bathe in gold and hunt wild boars - with a grenade launcher.

Britney Spears is free to be a bad mother again!

The law breaker, who had all visitation privileges stripped after continually disregarding a judge’s orders, has regained visitation privileges with her sons.

Unfitney was seen driving around the Studio City section of Los Angeles on Saturday with her kids and what was presumed to be the court appointed monitor.

Hopefully she’s finally given the mandated drug testing people a valid contact number.

Hopefully they will be testing her every day.

We were under the impression that Spears would be without any visitation until October 26th, when she and Kevin Federline are both ordered to be back in court.

Is it just us or….

Do YOU think Britney Spears gets too many breaks and special treatment????

[Image via WENN.]

Britney Spears stood up her parenting coach again who is finally fed up with the singer’s behavior. This latest development adds to Britney’s legal problems in her ongoing custody battle. Yesterday Britney lost visitation rights with her kids because she couldn’t supply a contact number to the people handling her drug tests. TMZ reports:

Sources say Britney had a scheduled time to meet the coach yesterday at her Malibu home. The coach made the trek, but no Britney.

We’re told during the hearing earlier this week, the coach phoned in and asked the Commissioner if she could end the home visits, presumably because they were going nowhere.

So far, in order to keep her kids, Britney Spears has been unable to supply her phone number and be at her own house at a designated time. I could train a freaking chimp to do both those things – while juggling a chainsaw! Actually, that’s not really fair, because I could train a chimp to do a lot of things Britney does. For example: drive a car somewhat safely, eat a Chalupa, flash its genitals and, given an extra week or so, make a Top 40 pop album.

It’s hard for us to believe anything Britney Spears‘ says. The lost soul also has no one to protect her and without a solid team she is left with moronic friends who feed the press bullshit excuses for her appalling behavior.

A Los Angeles judge suspended Britney’s visitation with her sons on Thursday because she failed to get in contact with the drug testing people.

As the judge had previously stated, a missed test is a failed test!

Now, someone in Spears’ camp is talking to In Touch Weekly and telling them the reason Brit Brit wasn’t able to get in touch with the drug testing folks is because she has bad cell phone reception in her Malibu home and never got her calls.

Uh huh!!!

Bitch don’t have a land line???

She doesn’t check her cell phone’s voicemail????

Spears has pulled a bullshit excuse like this before. A few weeks ago, it was reported that Britney didn’t see her kids for one of their visits because she claimed the intercom at the gate of her Malibu house wasn’t working.

Enough with the excuses!

[Image via Mavrix Online.]

Britney Spears’ aunt Chanda McGovern is speaking out about her family’s fear that Britney will commit suicide. And here we go, finally the family members are being dug out of the south and interviewed. The circus is now complete. Now I am the master. Whoops, sorry, ignore that last line. Here’s what Chanda had to say to The Sun:

On Britney possibly committing suicide:
“We are worried about suicidal tendencies in her. Everything is spiraling down and she has not got a backbone — a family member to help her. We fear that one day we may turn on the TV that she’s done something terrible to herself.”

On Britney’s outlandish behavior:
“Every time you turn the TV on it’s something and every time it’s more negative than the last. It gets worse and worse. Not wearing panties is not something a true southern girl would do. Then, in front of the paparazzi when she crashed into the car and said, ‘Oops’ and took off, she knows better than that.”

On Britney’s VMA performance:
“In some of the clips we’ve seen it looks like either she’s on something or so drunk she doesn’t know what world she’s in. It’s heartbreaking. Everybody is human, but she needs to come back down to earth. Her mother was always her backbone. Since they’ve fallen out everything has gone to hell.”

On Britney’s kids:
“The kids came second and her party life came first so it really wasn’t a shock that the kids have been taken away from her. It was just very disappointing. You just want to reach out and grab her and hug her and tell her you love her. I want to knock some sense into her and say, ‘Britney — wake up!’”

Look, I’ve got this whole thing figured out. I can’t sit on the sidelines without offering some sort of assistance here. What you need with Britney is some sort of reward system. Every time she gets the kids to brush her teeth, hey, here’s a Chalupa. Make it one day without dropping one, surprise, welcome to your Blizzard. Now for the more serious matters; If Britney makes it a whole week without drinking, Ronald McDonald will come to her house and bring a sack full of Big Macs. You might question my methods, but keep in mind I’m not a licensed therapist. I did house-train a dog once, so I think that qualifies me in regards to Britney. Actually I think that makes me overqualified, but I don’t have time to quibble over details.