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Kelly Brook put on a new bikini and enjoyed some more of her St. Barts vacation with boyfriend Billy Zane yesterday. But apparently Kelly’s idea of a good time is cramming sand down Billy’s crotch, according to the Daily Mail:

Instead it was all good clean fun as Kelly took great delight shoving handfuls of wet sand inside Billy’s loose-fitting swimming shorts while he looked on somewhat bemused.

If I were Billy Zane, I’d look on bemusingly as well, if that were a word. By all normal laws of science he should be cleaning shoes at the bowling alley. Instead he’s got a busty British actress girlfriend that, yeah, maybe puts sand on his nads. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Very itchy sacrifices that will totally chafe afterwards. I should know. I dated a sandcastle artist once. My taint still feels like the Sahara.

In case you couldn’t tell, it’s Bikini Day on The Superficial. Our next contestant is Kim Kardashian’s older sister Kourtney who was spotted at South Beach yesterday with her boyfriend Guy That Should Be Me. Well, at least I thought it should be me until I foolishly stopped looking at her chest. I caught a glimpse at Kourtney’s chipmunk teeth, and I think my penis just screamed a little.

My original headline for this post was “Simon Cowell attacked by rogue Ethopian.” Then I did some investigative journalism (i.e. Wikipedia) and learned that it’s actually Simon’s fiancé British TV personality Teri Seymour. The couple are on vacation in Barbados for the holiday. I can understand why he keeps her around. She seems handy. Simon could always use Teri as a walking stick if he were on a long hike. Or, I dunno, maybe as a karate staff if he wanted to fight crime or play Ninja Turtles with Ryan Seacrest who always wants to be “Naked Shredder.”

Nicollette Sheridan enjoyed some more of her holiday vacation in St. Barts. She sported a new bikini then decided to do a little jogging ala Baywatch. They should really consider remaking that show and I nominate Nicollette for the role of Mitch. I know what you’re thinking: that’s a man’s role. But, if we’re to truly honor the artistry of David Hasselhoff, Mitch should be played by someone that has boobs both equally old yet awesome like the Hoff’s. Did I just say the Hoff’s breasts are awesome? You tell me.*

* Answer: Yes!

To kickoff the weekend here’s a buttload of pictures featuring Amanda Beard in a bikini. The shots are from a photo shoot in Hawaii for Triathlete magazine. But who cares? It’s Amanda Beard in a bikini! In the meantime, I’ll be getting myself in the holiday spirit by blasting Trans Siberian Orchestra at ear-deafening levels and drinking the traditional winter lager out of a Santa hat. Hopefully, I can down it all before it leaks on the kids’ presents again. I don’t want my wife throwing a sterling silver Baby Jesus at my junk like last year. She’s such a Scrooge.

Jennifer Love Hewitt spent a few days in Hawaii with her boyfriend Ross McCall. Something went awry between this picture in September and what we’re looking at right now. What the hell are those ghosts whispering to her? That cake fights cancer? Seriously, the undead are assholes. Besides, it’s a proven fact that having sex with me is the only cure for cancer. Okay, maybe not so much proven, as drunkenly hinted at when you realize I’m not really Patrick Dempsey. Though I’m not sure how the five-mile ride on my bike’s handlebars tipped you off.

English lingerie model Danielle Lloyd braved the cold to launch the new Ski Republic website yesterday in London. Whoever devised this campaign deserves the Nobel Prize – twice. Now, that being said, I catch a lot of flack for posting pics of bleached blondes with fake breasts, but, honestly, how else do you sell ski equipment? If you’ve got a better suggestion than a chick in a bathing suit on top of a tank, I’d love to hear it.

NOTE: All submissions must be in the form of a blonde with giant boobs. Tank mandatory.

Scope out English model/actress Gemma Atkinson in her crazy hot 2008 calendar. I don’t really have any idea who she is, but Gemma has dreams of being an R&B/soul singer and will soon be moving stateside to Nashville. Also, just thought I’d mention she’s recently single. News of the World reports:

Our Gem’s now single after splitting with Man United star Ronaldo in July.
A close pal revealed: “Gemma’s started dating again and is loving it. She’s met up with a number of guys so far and had a great time.”

Note to Self: Move to Nashville. Seek out Gemma Atkinson. (If you’re unable to spot her, go home and cry in the bathtub while questioning your sexuality.) Introduce yourself as a record producer. (A cowboy hat will add authenticity to this claim and make you look like Chuck Norris. Pure win/win situation.) Gain Gemma’s confidence. (Buy her a coffee maker. Or an oven mitt. Whatever the chicks are into these days.) Touch boobies. (If unsuccessful, I hear suicide is fun too.) End note.

Remember when Anna Kournikova used to be a professional tennis player? That was kind of neat, but I’m pretty sure all she does now is, well, nothing. And wear bikinis. Probably the best career move she’s ever made.

I don’t know how, but this site seems to have turned into a tribute page to The Hills. Anyway, everybody’s favorite plastic surgery role model Heidi Montag was spotted frolicking on the beach yesterday wearing a pink bikini and carrying around a red life preserver. What an accomplished life. When she’s 60 and looking back on her life she’ll be able to say she inspired a nation of girls to get breast implants and run on the beach. Somebody should get started on her biography now. It’s such a moving story of determination and the human spirit. She makes that Rosa Parks character look like a total douche.

Here are some more pregnant bikini shots of Nicole Richie in Hawaii with Joel Madden. If you can’t figure out who’s who, Joel Madden is the asshole who’s standing there watching his pregnant girlfriend do all the work and Nicole Richie is, well, the pregnant girlfriend doing all the work. Oh, but don’t feel sorry for her. Joel’s got the hard job. He has to stand there and hold earphones and occasionally shift his weight. If he doesn’t do it then who will? I guess they could hire a guy. But for a job this important you usually can’t trust outside help.

You know what’s normal behavior for a skeleton? Being buried. Or maybe getting hung up in a classroom. But not running around the beach doing whatever it is Jenna Jameson is doing here. And what the hell happened to her face? She’s a duck, right? She’s a duck now? Like to communicate with her you have to quack and maybe flap your arms?

Everybody’s favorite plastic surgery experiment, Tara Reid, was spotted on a yacht in Italy dressed like some sort of gypsy. Her stomach actually looks alright now, but her ass. Wow. This thing defies description. I’ve never seen an ass take quite those shapes before. It’s like somebody took out her butt and replaced it with ground hamburger meat. If you showed me just a picture it, I’d guess it was a dinosaur before I guessed it was a human ass.

Paris Hilton was spotted looking at pictures of herself yesterday while hanging out at her Malibu summer home with her new Chihuahua. And I know what you’re thinking. Paris Hilton in a bikini? Total score, right? I bet these are even more rare than pictures of Bigfoot.

Not sure what to make of these. Yeah, Kirsten Dunst is in a bikini getting her boobs molested by her friend, but that’s about as exciting as hearing the fat lady who works at the gas station made a sex tape. If you’ve got a penis he probably looked up, shrugged, and then went back to the book he was reading.

A ton more of Kirsten Dunst in her bikini in Maui after the jump.