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Katie Price purposely flashed her panties outside of a London club last night. I guess since she’s getting a breast reduction, she figured she’d show off her vagina. Makes sense. But seriously, what is she even doing? Is there a toilet on that van or something and she really has to pee? Or is that a hemorrhoid donut – Holy shit, it is! Whiskey. I need whiskey now! Pour it in my eyes! Hold on, brain, liquor’s coming! Don’t stop pouring until I forget my name. If I try to dry-hump the coffee table, that means it’s working.

NOTE: What’s that? Why yes, Katie Price is making out with her younger sister here.

Guess who is wearing a hat on a day out with her sister?

Paris Hilton took her new Swedish model boyfriend Alexander von Zweigbergk Vaggo to meet her parents for dinner at Madeos in Beverly Hills. Paris’ parents Rick and Kathy were celebrating their 28th anniversary together. The highlight of the evening will be when Rick leans over to Alex and whispers, “There are two condoms in my hand. I want you to wear them both at the same time. Don’t ask any questions. You seem like good people.” Alex will then ask “Is this to, how you say, not make baby?” Rick will smile and say, “Don’t worry, Kathy and I took care of that when she was 16. Thank you, Mexican free clinic. Ha ha, good times. No, seriously, the rubbers are to protect your ding-dong, son. Jesus, don’t you read the papers?”

Katie Holmes debuted a bangin’ new do at the Bambi Awards in Germany on Thursday.

Hmmmm……

Thoughts????

[Photo via Getty Images.]

Music producer/aspiring Britney Spears babydaddy J.R. Rotem is learning an important lesson about how technology is changing the world of tabloid gossip, courtesy of his once-close friends at InTouch. A day after he released a statement saying that there’s “absolutely no truth” to the magazine’s report that Spears’ oven is filled with his piping-hot, hitmaking bun, InTouch has counterattacked by releasing photos of a series of text messages in which he not only confirms his proud, possibly lucrative paternity, but claims she’s too “unpredicatable” [sic] for him to hazard a guess as to whether or not she’d “keep it.” Say what you will about Kevin Federline, but even in the early days of his relationship with Spears, he never would have left such an easily traceable digital trail when quietly trying to update the tabloids on his attempts to impreganate her.

• Britney’s pregnancy: In Touch sets the record straight [InTouch]

The receptionists at Century Spa in Koreatown are still giddy over a recent visit paid by John Travolta, whose presence can be verified by fellow shvitzing patrons, the guys from L.A. Rag Mag. What to make of this beyond the fact that Century offers some of the best spa services in the city at the most reasonable prices? Why, we’re certain we have no idea! [laragmag.com]

Nuzzles!!!!

David Beckham receives a traditional welcome with a member of the official Maori welcoming party on his arrival in Wellington, New Zealand on Thursday.

The LA Galaxy will play against the Wellington Phoenix on Saturday.

Seems like Becks will miss the first Spice Girls concert in Vancouver on Sunday. And so is Perez, sadly.

BUT, we are going to the first Los Angeles show on Wednesday. Yay!!!

Guess which brunette is having a day out with her family?

Christina Ricci was still sporting her lighter locks running errands in LA yesterday. She’s got her toddler hair color, like she suggests everyone should. It’s not just the hair, but knowing that she’s dyed it combined with her cut (and maybe the outfit) that makes her look super young, right? She’s getting back to her inner kid in another way too; up next for Christina is the remake of Speed Racer costarring Emile Hirsch which is due out next year. Go, speed Ricci, go. Sorry, sorry.

Flynet

Truth be told, we can’t be made to care about who took home the Golden Tap Shoes–by far the most coveted of all the celebrity-based reality TV talent competition trophies–on last night’s Dancing with the Stars finale, even after discovering that the heady rush of victory was so overwhelming that the show’s new champion was moved to drop his fiancée like she was a tango partner who caught fire in the middle of a dip. The only reason we even bothered to tune in to the fifteen-hour coronation ceremony was to check in on Marie Osmond, America’s Emotionally Fragile Sweetheart, whom we weren’t sure would survive the defeat her now-legendary Baby Doll Dance of Despair made all but inevitable.

Thankfully, Osmond did somehow find the inner strength to weather this crushing disappointment, at least temporarily; as you can hear for yourself in the above clip, she made it through her brief concession speech without a meltdown. However, once the reality of her third-place finish finally sank in, she unexpectedly returned to the set with the giant key used to wind her up during her ill-received doll performance, nearly bludgeoning judge Bruno Tonioli to death with the prop for the perceived role his tragically sassy comment about her looking like a cross between “Baby Jane and the bride of Chucky” played in destroying her dreams.

• Dancing with the Stars [ABC.com]
• Previously: Marie Osmond’s Baby Doll Dance Of Despair [Defamer]

Then do not CLICK HERE!

We love her but this is all sorts of wrong!

The reigning princess of hip hop & soul, Keyshia Cole, showed up to TRL looking like THAT.

There’s just no excuse!

[Photo via Getty Images.]

Jennifer Love Hewitt spent a few days in Hawaii with her boyfriend Ross McCall. Something went awry between this picture in September and what we’re looking at right now. What the hell are those ghosts whispering to her? That cake fights cancer? Seriously, the undead are assholes. Besides, it’s a proven fact that having sex with me is the only cure for cancer. Okay, maybe not so much proven, as drunkenly hinted at when you realize I’m not really Patrick Dempsey. Though I’m not sure how the five-mile ride on my bike’s handlebars tipped you off.

After I just confirmed that Britney Spears isn’t pregnant, I find out Paris Hilton is still hell-bent on putting a bun in her oven. C’mon! It seems Paris has babies on the brain again after hosting a baby shower for Nicole Richie last weekend, according to People:

“Nicole and I have been playing together since we were two years old,” she told PEOPLE at the Nissan Live Sets One Year Anniversary Party. “I was just telling her, ‘I want a baby so that our babies can play together.’”

You ever see one of those vans that animal shelters drive around and spay and neuter your pet for you? How do I modify one of those to work on humans? I kind of need an answer ASAP. Time is a factor. Oh, and also, what are the odds of getting a wet bar on that puppy? No, not the van. An actual puppy. I’ve always thought it’d be cool to have a dog with more than just one of those little barrels around his neck. Picture a Labrador, but with a margarita mixer instead of a tail.

Usher and his much-older wife, Tameka Foster, welcomed a baby birth to this world on Monday night.

The child was born in Atlanta.

Foster, who has children from a previous relationship, had a bit of a difficult pregnancy. She was hospitalized in the summer for a “scare.”

The pair got married early this fall, after an aborted wedding in the Hamptons.

The singer’s mother is said to not get along with Tameka.

Not that she popped the baby out, she’s set for life!

[Image via Mavrix Online.]

Gwyneth Paltrow stayed out of last night’s inclement Manhattan weather thanks to her trusty umbrella holder. She was showing off her stems in her pre-London hometown where she is currently shooting Two Lovers with Joaquin Phoenix. Lucky little Londonites Apple and Moses got to spent part of their Summer at Gwyn’s childhood home in LA, Fall in Spain while she shot her PBS show, and hopefully now they’ll make some great memories of the holidays in NYC.

To see more of Gwyneth staying dry just

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