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E! Online - The South Pacific has finally caught up to the South.

Reuters - “Survivor” has ended its brush with
segregation after two episodes — just as it planned to do all
along.

Transformation into what, you ask? I have no fucking clue. But whatever it is, Matthew McConaughey has to be almost there. Because if he keeps going any further we might have to call animal control. And then a priest. And then some dude in a trench coat who hunts werewolves. More of Matthew McConaughey looking like he needs some raw meat after the jump.

Because the madness will never end, Anna Nicole Smith and Howard K. Stern got married yesterday on a boat near Nassau. They reportedly exchanged vows, although there was no formal marriage and the ceremony isn’t “legally binding” according to Anna’s other lawyer, Michael Scott (just like The Office!). So basically Anna Nicole and Stern put on a little show where they pretended to get married. And I mean, why not? At the rate they’re going they could become space pirates and it’d just seem like the natural progression of their lives.

Just in case you didn't already want to punch Avril Lavigne in the face, she was caught two times in the past two nights acting like a douchebag and spitting on the paparazzi.

After celebrating her 22nd birthday at Hyde, the wannabe punk-rocker unleashed a torrent of "f*** yous" to the paparazzi and autograph seekers, even signing the pleasant greeting on some pictures. Avril and her entourage then made their way to the safety of their SUV, where she rolled the window down and loaded up a liquid projectile in her mouth. Moments later, she displayed her masterful sharpspitting skills by hitting one photographer in the face while laughing hysterically and screaming, "bitch!"

And proving that dumbassery is contagious, her husband Deryck Whibley joined in the spitting frenzy and hit a photographer in the glasses with a loogie last night at the grand opening of Area nightclub in Hollywood. Make sure you're alone when you watch the video because I gaurantee afterwards you'll be filled with a lust to murder. And God forbid there are any infants around, because the sound of her voice will drive you to punch them. NOTE: Free Slurpee to anybody who gets the reference.

I'm not an expert when it comes to getting old or having giant saline bags stuffed into my chest, but it seems to me if your nipples start looking like depressed tumors it's maybe time to consult a lotion specialist or a better surgeon. The NSFW shot of Pamela Anderson's nipple after the jump.

Madonna has topped Britney Spears as the highest paid female singer in the 2007 Guinness Book of Records, taking in $50 million in 2004 to beat out Britney Spears, who held the record since 2001 after earning more than $38 million in 2000.

Elsewhere in the book: Nicole Kidman set the record for the highest salary per minute for an actor (a reported $3.71 million for a four-minute commercial for Chanel No. 5) and Oprah Winfrey is named the highest-paid person on TV ($225 million, according to the last Forbes power ranking). American Idol star Simon Cowell is the highest paid TV talent-show judge (about $34 million), while Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling has the highest annual earnings for a children's author, with an estimated $64 million.

$50 million a year and the best look Madonna can come up with is looking like she's on her way to a NASCAR race. If I made $50 million a year I'd be walking around in a solid gold suit with $100 bills glued to it. They don't call me Classy McRich for nothing.

Paris Hilton and Travis Barker were spotted at The Mansion club and Absinthe Bar in the Red Light District of Amsterdam. And in a pathetic attempt to dodge the paparazzi, Paris was seen leaving her hotel room in a red dress but returning wearing a brown wig and her friend Kim Kardashian's coat. Which sounds pretty clever in theory, but so does spray on hair. And last I checked that's not the miracle invention the TV would have you believe. More of Paris and her amazing wardrobe change after the jump.

Orlando Bloom (the perverted looking guy in the hat) was spotted leaving Club Hyde with Penelope Cruz, sparking rumors - most of which I’m starting right this second - that they’re having lots and lots of sex. Most likely anal. And why would I say such horrible and disgusting things? Because I want whatever it is Matthew McConaughey has turned into to chase down Orlando Bloom and fist fight him to death for having anal sex with his ex-girlfriend. Plus a witness tells me Orlando called Matthew a “sissy girlie-man with the physique of a 13-year-old girl.” And gay. He also said he was gay.

More of Orlando and Penelope sneakily driving off together in Orlando’s car after the jump.

UPDATE: Maybe Matthew can just beat Orlando to death with his gigantic penis. Stuffing one sock down there usually does the trick, man. I think eight might be a bit excessive. Thanks to Aaron for the tip.

I give it three months before Nicole Richie's sunglasses get so big her head is just dragging on the floor. Then when she shows up to places and people ask her what's wrong she can point and laugh at them because their lame sunglasses actually fit on their head. I mean seriously, if your sunglasses don't make you look like a giant-headed space insect you're just making an ass out of yourself. More of Nicole and her bug costume after the jump.

Jeff Timmons, some guy I never heard of from 98 Degrees, was sentenced to a year of probation after being charged with reckless driving and refusing to sign a citation. He was pulled over going 60 mph in a 45 mph zone and was initially charged with a DUI but the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence when he refused to take any alcohol testing. Finally, no more restless nights waking up in a cold sweat wondering if Jeff Timmons is okay. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my soul. I don't think a day has gone by I haven't kept his memory in my heart. Or something. You know what I mean. He's very famous after all. Some say 98 Degrees was more important to society than the discovery of fire.

I didn't even know there was one, but the feud between Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera is reportedly over. Christina bought a $570 gift bag for Britney's new son, Sutton Pierce, which includes a hooded towel, overalls, slippers, and a crockery set.

The goodies will be added to the lavish room little Sutton Pierce shares with older brother Sean Preston, which according to L&S cost Spears $100,000 to redecorate in blue with nautical themes and a large SPF - the initials of both tykes - stenciled on the wall. "Britney worked with two designers to make the nursery state of the art," a friend told the mag. "She told the decorators to spare no expense. She's indulging herself and her new son. This is definitely the most joyous time of her life."

And no, Chirstina Aguilera hasn't turned into a bald black man, that's just a shot of the gift bag she got for Britney. Although sometimes I wonder what it would be like if she really did turn into a bald black man. My fantasies would be a little different, but I can't say I'm not a little curious. Oh wait, yes I can. I can say it very loudly.

I tried to avoid posting Paris Hilton's new music video for "Nothing In This World" but the 4 gazillion emails in my inbox say that's not gonna happen. I think the main message of the video is that Paris Hilton likes grinding her crotch against 14-year-old boys. There's also some references to The Girl Next Door so maybe she's implying she used to do porno. It's a bold move to combine the creative vision of a music video with the truthfulness of a documentary.

I guess when you're wearing a damn parachute as a shirt it's bound to blow open every once in awhile. Although I'm curious as to what she did with Waldo's body after she murdered him and stripped off his clothes. More of Gwen Stefani's ridiculously puffy shirt after the jump.

Larry Birkhead, the photojournalist who claimed to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, says Howard K. Stern's announcement of being the real father is "laughable" and that Birkhead is willing to take a DNA test to prove it. In an interview with Us, Birkhead says:

"I am not surprised he would say this but I am laughing at it. Larry King didn't even believe Howard." Birkhead also tells Us that he is willing to take a DNA test anytime to prove he is the father. "I have asked for a DNA test and I welcome it. I am in good spirits this morning because I know I am the father of the child. I look forward to having a relationship with my new daughter."

While I was in the middle of writing this People posted the cause of Daniel Smith's death according to the toxicology report: a lethal combination of methadone, Zoloft and Lexapro which caused a cardiac dysrhythmia. So basically a poor combination of medicines made Daniel stop breathing and he died. Case closed, mystery solved. And not a single person had to have their face ripped off to reveal it was really old man Jenkins all along.